Triads and Tribulations

Communication is a Two Way Street March 30, 2010

I have thought about this post for a long time………..I am such the proponent of open adoption, but I must say it is not always easy.  In fact, it is downright difficult at times.  As an adoptive parent I am only one-third of the picture, the triad.  I only know how I feel and I know that I will never completely understand the emotions and/or experience of my children as adoptees or that of their birthparents.  I do know that for open adoption to work it takes just that – work.  At least that has been my experience.  Open adoption has many definitions.  In runs the gamut from contact via the agency  to regular ongoing contact with regular visitation.  It does require, however, that the parties involved all be on the same page.

Right now I am struggling.  I’m trying to understand, but I am definitely bewildered.  Our open adoption has not been so open.  It’s funny to say that really.  Ours is more open than many adoptions.  We do have communications – emails, letters, rare phone calls and even a visit or two.  The problem is that the communication is sporadic to say the least.  I am specifically talking about our relationship with the birthparents (we are actually lucky that we do have regular communication with some extended family).  What I want more than anything is to facilitate a level of contact that is acceptable for all involved.  I don’t want to push someone to have more contact than comfort.  What I want is honesty.  Honesty about what is best for them.  I don’t need someone to tell me what they think I want to hear.

Herein lies the problem.  We seem to have these moments where we all connect and it seems great and I think I know what they want.  We have this connection or understanding and it all seems good.  It works well for a time especially when we work hard at it, but then it slips away.  Then I get confused.  What happened?  Did we do something wrong?  Is it too hard for them?  I try really hard at that point to distance myself a bit.  We pull back and put the ball in their court.  We try to just let it be.  That works for me for a while, but then the OCD in me takes over.  I just want to know what they want.  I want them to feel comfortable enough with us to be honest.  It would be easier this way.  It doesn’t have to be in person or on the phone.  I am completely open to an email.  Just an email that says, “hey this is too hard for me right now” or “life is complicated right now” or “i need to distance myself for a while.”  I could handle that a lot easier than the “fall off of the face of the Earth” approach.  At times we have had very regular ongoing contact.  Other times we have had 9 months of nothing – nothing at all.  It’s not like I haven’t brought it up either.  I’ve tried the “if this is going to work I need to know you won’t run out on us again without a trace.”  All is assured that it won’t happen.  They tell us they want regular contact, pictures, visit etc.  We’re Facebook friends.  And then it happens again and again – months of essentially no contact.  Sometimes it is even hard for me to find out if they receive the things I send them (ie. pictures, cards, etc).  Do they even want them?  I think they do, but maybe I’m wrong.

It’s like this crazy roller coaster we’re on.  A psychological conditioning so to speak.  I think the irregularity of it is what drives me more.  That being said, it bugs me the most is that there are the broken promises.  Our oldest is 4.  She doesn’t yet completely get adoption, but she’s starting to get it.  It’s the promised presents, cards, visits, etc. that never happen.  Right now it doesn’t phase her much, but I wonder how it will affect her as she gets older.  How will we explain things to her or her brother (our kids are bio siblings both adopted at birth from the same bio family)?  I guess we can  just choose not mention the things that we hear about via email.  I just won’t mention them unless it comes to fruition.  It’s the promises in person or via the phone that I cannot change.  I want our kids to have a connection to their bio family.  I just don’t want it to be detrimental.  We had a great visit just a couple of months ago.  In fact it was the best and probably the most open and real contact we have ever had - and now nothing again.  Did it affect them in ways they couldn’t handle?  I hope not.  I’m just tired of being in the dark.  Tell me what you want.