Oh Brother, Where Art Thou? May 29, 2009
Posted by rheumpa in Uncategorized.Tags: adoption, adoptive parent, birthparent, open adoption
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Why pursue open adoption? Well, there are many different reasons why I support open adoption. I will write about many of these in the upcoming weeks, but one reason I believe that open adoption is right for my family is that it will keep siblings connected to each other. We had the somewhat rare opportunity to adopt two infants from the same bio family 3 1/2 years apart. Our children are full biological siblings. What is important is that there is also another full biological sibling – a brother. He is being parented by the birth family and is a few years older than our oldest.
I try very hard sometimes to imagine what life will be like for my two adopted children in the future. How will they feel about being adopted? I hope that they are comfortable with it and at peace. I hope to facilitate that peace by remaining in contact with their biological family. I used to wonder how to explain to my daughter (the oldest) that she had a full bio brother out there that her biological parents were raising. I also used to wonder how she would feel as the only adopted child if her bio family went on to have other children that they parented. Then we received the wonderful news (wonderful for us) that her bio family had another baby that they wanted to place with us. After having adopted our son I am happy that our children will have each other to relate to and to lean on, but it leaves me pondering what life will be like for their brother. Now the roles are reversed. He may or may not have a sibling in the future to grow up with. What if he doesn’t? Will he be bitter?
I try to imagine what life would be like growing up knowing that you had a sibling out there that you do not know. I recently saw an episode of MTV’s True Life where people were searching for their siblings. One woman from Guatamala was separated from her twin at birth. Each were adopted by different families in different countries (one remained in Guatamala and the other grew up in the US). The second story was about a woman who had a half brother and sister out there that she hadn’t grown up with. In each of these stories the women had this sense of feeling like something was missing in their lives. That being said, different people handle life differently. I have a friend who is adopted who grew up with a sister who is adopted (not from the same family). I have discussed the sibling situation with him. Doesn’t he want to know if he has a brother/sister out there? Wouldn’t he want to get to know them? Honestly, he really doesn’t care. He feels happy and has no “need” to search. I am different. I am not adopted, but I know if I was and I had a sibling out there I would want to know them at least in some sense.
As it stands we are making steps in our open adoption for regular visitation. I hope this remains the case. I want our children to know their brother for everyone’s sake. They are all pretty little right now and really don’t understand the situation, but someday they will and I hope they can have a relationship. The will grow up in separate lives and in separate places, but they will always be siblings regardless of what others may think. I hope that their bio family understands this importance as well. We live pretty far apart, but we will try to do what we can to preserve this bond between them. Our daughter and her older brother met for the first time through the birth of their little brother. I feel it was meant to be. I recently read a quote that I will close with:
“I don’t believe an accident of birth makes people sisters or brothers. It makes them siblings, gives them mutuality of parentage. Sisterhood and brotherhood is a condition people have to work at.” ~Maya Angelou
we almost had a very interesting situation. our first match was with a couple who had also adopted out a son a few years before to someone who coincidentally lived in our same city. Now we were going to have a very open adoption relationship, but they were not interested in the boy they were raising knowing anything about his siblings or birth parents until much later in life.
My personal feeling is that the sooner they know about adoption the better off they will be. It will just be normal for them and you can head off a lot of problems that way. But this other couple doesn’t agree.
The weird thing is that they wanted their boy and ours to play together and know each other as playmates, but not to know they were brothers till at least age 12 or 13!!!
This just didn’t feel right to me. Thankfully that placement didn’t happen and we have a great relationship with Ginny’s birth family. We communicate at least once a week and we show Ginny pictures of her siblings. The plan is to go up there when Ginny is old enough to have fun with the other kids, like maybe age three or four. I want her to be able to run and play with them. I’m guessing the relationship will be sort of cousin-ly for now. It will be up to the kids themselves if they want to develop the relationship further later on.
Liam is the only child from both of his bio parents. They have now split, so he will remain the only one. He has 3 half-brothers from his bio-dad and 2 half-sisters from his bio-mom. I think they will probably go on to have more children with other people. I have often wondered how I explain that he was the only child they placed, and how to facilitate relationships with his siblings in the future.
We do have an open adoption, but I have been told that those can fade over time. Liam isn’t even 2 yeat, so I have no idea what the future holds.
Thank you for this blog. It touches my heart. I often wonder if other adoptive parents worry like I do. I feel blessed to have found your blog!!!
I knew there must be others out there who feel the same way. Thanks for your kind words Rebecca. I promise more posts soon. We are finalizing this week and have been super busy with other things as well.