The Final Countdown

SORRY FOR MY RECENT ABSCENSE FOLKS, BUT LIFE HAS BEEN CRAZY.  I PROMISE THAT MUCH MORE WILL BE POSTED SOON.  I HAVE SEVERAL NEW POSTS IN THE WORKS RIGHT NOW.

We have reached and completed a huge hurdle recently -finalization of our adoption!  It is the final piece of the long journey toward parenthood (a second time in our case).  For those of you who have adopted or who are adopting, you know the feeling.  There are hurdles to jump through, obstacles to tackle and you better make sure you cross those T’s and dot those I’s.  For many of us the journey takes years.  It starts with the infertility.  You try to get pregnant, you can’t get pregnant, you try various fertility treatments or you miscarry time and time again.  The wait is unbearable and then you start the next piece which is the adoption journey.  For most, it really IS a journey.  It is filled with ups and downs and emotions like you have never imagined.

Despite all the challenges that we have had to endure, I wouldn’t change a thing.  Well………I would change a FEW things (like making the whole process easier), but I wouldn’t change our track to parenthood.  We’ve definitely journeyed down the path less traveled, but if we hadn’t then we wouldn’t have our wonderful kids.  The experience made us appreciate parenthood so much more.  Adoption is a bizarre and difficult process to go through when you think about how seemingly “easy” (and might I add comparatively cheap) it is for so many people to become parents.

What I have come to realize is that this is just a piece in the unique path that parenthood has led us down.  There will always be obstacles, detours and mountains to climb.  You know, the usual parenting stuff (ie. potty training, tantrums, discipline, etc).  Adoption does however present some unique bumps in the road.  These are situations unique to those of us who have adopted and our adopted children.  Some you may never have considered before….

School projects:  I have read many times about several dreaded school projects.  One is the “family tree” project.  Your child will have to decide how best to handle this (in the way that makes them most comfortable).  Do they blend both families?  Do they only present their adopted family?  Do they only present their biological family?  Do their peers even know they are adopted (some kids don’t want to discuss this with friends because it brings up long discussions and presents them as “different”).  It is the same thing for the “ancestry” type project.  Where are your ancestors from?  Which family do they present or do they present both? 

Contact with biological family:  This can be a good and a bad thing.  I would always wish for my children to have contact, but there is always that possibility that the biological family might not be so committed.  This is my hugest fear in open adoption.  There could be disappointments if visits are missed, birthdays go unnoticed, emails are not returned, etc.  This is especially true as your child gets older.  Right now my kids are relatively young, but my oldest is already starting to notice if something is promised and then isn’t carried out.  I don’t want her to be hurt or disappointed.  It is especially hard for families of multiple adopted kids with different bio families.  What if one family is in very close contact and the other isn’t (or worse yet just disappears).  How do you explain that??!  I stand behind my belief that it is good that your children have bio contact, but adoptive parents have to be prepared to handle the bumpy road ahead and the fact that the definition of contact may change for all involved over time.  Contact could become something more OR something less with time.  One thing is for sure.  Communication on the part of all parties involved is key.

Details of the adoption:  It is very common that there may be some details of your child’s adoption that are difficult to disclose.  There could be an unknown father (or one night stand), drug use, jail time, rape, sexual abuse, etc.  All are not easy to disclose and may not necessarily need to be until the child is much older (if at all).  I am not in favor of hiding things, but I think it all depends on how your child handles things.  On the one hand it may be easier for them to understand their placement when armed with this knowledge, but on the other hand they may feel shame, sadness or have fears when all is disclosed.  Another possible detail that may be difficult to introduce to your child is the existence of other biological full or half siblings out there.  This is probably harder to deal with if there is no bio family contact.  Sometimes a biological family may have a child they parent, then place a child for adoption then go on to parent other children later.  This may be hard for an adoptive child to understand.  They may wonder why they were placed for adoption particularly if they are the only child placed in that family (ie. why me?). 

Discussing feelings about adoption:  This may be one of the most important things of all.  It really takes a child quite awhile to understand and really take in what being adopted means.  As a child grows so does their understanding.  They will go through many different stages of emotion and comprehension.  It is important to discuss this along the way.  Kids can become confused and may not know how to handle their emotions.  They may feel a sense of loss/sadness on birthdays or on their “adoption day.”  The adoption literature out there supports this.  Every kid handles things differently, but various stages are bound to happen.  I have read about kids going through denial, anger, sadness, etc.  I just hope I can comfort my kids if they have difficult emotions.  I also hope they will feel open to discussing them with me.

These are just a few of the situations that may come up along the journey of being an adoptive parent.  There is one thing for sure though – we are in it for the long haul and happy to be living this life with these great kids.  I am happy to be an adoptive parent and thankful for my kids and their biological parents every single day.  If life were not like a roller coaster it wouldn’t be any fun

Oh Brother, Where Art Thou?

Why pursue open adoption?  Well, there are many different reasons why I support open adoption.  I will write about many of these in the upcoming weeks, but one reason I believe that open adoption is right for my family is that it will keep siblings connected to each other.  We had the somewhat rare opportunity to adopt two infants from the same bio family 3 1/2 years apart.  Our children are full biological siblings.  What is important is that there is also another full biological sibling – a brother.  He is being parented by the birth family and is a few years older than our oldest.

I try very hard sometimes to imagine what life will be like for my two adopted children in the future.  How will they feel about being adopted?  I hope that they are comfortable with it and at peace.  I hope to facilitate that peace by remaining in contact with their biological family.  I used to wonder how to explain to my daughter (the oldest) that she had a full bio brother out there that her biological parents were raising.  I also used to wonder how she would feel as the only adopted child if her bio family went on to have other children that they parented.  Then we received the wonderful news (wonderful for us) that her bio family had another baby that they wanted to place with us.  After having adopted our son I am happy that our children will have each other to relate to and to lean on, but it leaves me pondering what life will be like for their brother.  Now the roles are reversed.  He may or may not have a sibling in the future to grow up with.  What if he doesn’t?  Will he be bitter? 

I try to imagine what life would be like growing up knowing that you had a sibling out there that you do not know.  I recently saw an episode of MTV’s True Life where people were searching for their siblings.  One woman from Guatamala was separated from her twin at birth.  Each were adopted by different families in different countries (one remained in Guatamala and the other grew up in the US).  The second story was about a woman who had a half brother and sister out there that she hadn’t grown up with.  In each of these stories the women had this sense of feeling like something was missing in their lives.  That being said, different people handle life differently.  I have a friend who is adopted who grew up with a sister who is adopted (not from the same family).  I have discussed the sibling situation with him.  Doesn’t he want to know if he has a brother/sister out there?  Wouldn’t he want to get to know them?  Honestly, he really doesn’t care.  He feels happy and has no “need” to search.  I am different.  I am not adopted, but I know if I was and I had a sibling out there I would want to know them at least in some sense.

As it stands we are making steps in our open adoption for regular visitation.  I hope this remains the case.  I want our children to know their brother for everyone’s sake.  They are all pretty little right now and really don’t understand the situation, but someday they will and I hope they can have a relationship.  The will grow up in separate lives and in separate places, but they will always be siblings regardless of what others may think.   I hope that their bio family understands this importance as well.  We live pretty far apart, but we will try to do what we can to preserve this bond between them.  Our daughter and her older brother met for the first time through the birth of their little brother.   I feel it was meant to be.  I recently read a quote that I will close with:

“I don’t believe an accident of birth makes people sisters or brothers.  It makes them siblings, gives them mutuality of parentage.  Sisterhood and brotherhood is a condition people have to work at.” ~Maya Angelou

Need-To-Know Basis?

Now onto a problem I always struggle with. When do you divulge information about your child’s adoption and when do you not? Not that I am trying to hide the fact that my children are adopted because that is far from the case. Ask anyone and they will tell you I love to talk about and educate people about adoption (thus this blog). The situation is this – it is inevitable that people (especially strangers) will ask an adoptive parent questions that you have to make a decision about. These questions require one of three approaches: the spill the beans approach, the half truth approach and the blatant lie. Generally, my approach is one of the first two options.

Now for some examples. I belong to a MOMS club. I just recently joined and still know very few people. I do have some close friends in the club who know the full adoption story for both my kids. Most people in this club don’t know the story (at least not yet). Somehow when I am at MOMS club gatherings I feel weird sometimes because I feel like I always have to talk about the adoptions. Again, not trying to hide them (not at all), but just wanting to talk about daily parenting and mom stuff without having to feel like we are different because of the way our family was formed. Here is how it usually happens: One person starts talking about their pregnancy, their labor, breastfeeding, which parent their kid looks like, etc. The topic then spreads around the room, the table, the park or whatever venue with everyone participating. Then you have to talk or run away or something.  Now again, I certainly don’t mind talking and telling my story and I am not at all embarrassed by it. In situations like this I feel you need to (the spill the beans approach).  These women will be my friends and support and I don’t want to lie. The other issue is that I just don’t want my kids to be labeled as “the adopted” kids. Literature that I have read suggests that sometimes this can influence how people treat children. I definitely don’t want that to happen.

Here is an example of the half truth approach: Someone makes a comment about your child’s appearance such as, “Gosh your daughter is really tall for her age. Is her father tall?” (Obviously, she isn’t getting it from me – ha!). Now again, it matters how well you know the person asking the question and whether or not you will have ongoing contact with that person.  My husband I are both average height so the way I answer to strangers is, “no, but there are tall people in the family.” This is true!  Not our families, but our daughter’s biological family.  Short and sweet and you don’t have to talk all day and no one will ever question it.

The third approach is the blatant lie. The other day I was shopping and in a hurry. The sales clerk (who I will likely never have an ongoing relationship with or possibly never will see again) commented on my sons blue eyes, “how did his eyes get so blue and yours are so dark?” That day my answer was, “his father’s eyes are blue.” This could almost fall under the half truth category because my husband’s eyes are blue, but his biological father’s are not.

Now, why is this important to discuss? Well, as our children grow older the adoption story really does become their own. They may not want you to tell everyone their business. You will need to discuss with them how they want you to handle questions from strangers, semi-strangers, teachers, friends, etc. The literature I have read suggests that it is important as your child gets older to discuss with them how they want these situations handled. Kids don’t like to be “different” and lord knows kids love to make fun of each other for even the smallest things.  I hope that no one ever labels my child “different” or “the adopted kid” or treats them differently because of their placement.  For us it is not so hard to “blend in” if my kids want us to.  We are all Caucasian and my kids look enough like my husband that they could definitely pass for his biological children.  My kids are young now, but they will always know that they were placed with nothing but love.  We will keep the lines of communication open and they can decide who needs-to-know!

Happy Mother’s Day?

With Mother’ Day having just passed, I decided to discuss the two sides to Mother’s Day. For those of us who have formed our families or completed our families through adoption, Mother’s Day can be a joyous and happy occasion. However, I am often left wondering what kind of day is it for a biological mother who placed her child for adoption?

Unfortunately, biological mothers tend to get a bad rap. A lot of people don’t view placement of a child for adoption positively. Many people feel that they “gave up” their child or that they didn’t “want” the child/children. I have a different take on this. I think it is impossible for some people to understand the utmost respect that my husband and I have for our children’s biological mother. After all, if it was not for her we wouldn’t have a family. When you go through that process so closely with another person and experience their grief and love for their child you just can’t fathom how someone could disrespect their choice. In my opinion it is the ultimate sacrifice for a child. It is the selfless desire to give that child more than what you could provide for them. It is a very mature and difficult decision. I am adoptive parent involved in an open adoption with the biological family. Having gone through the birth and placement of our children alongside the biological family you grieve with them and you really feel their pain and love.

This leaves me wondering…..what is Mother’s Day like for our children’s birthmother? Although we have an open relationship with her, it isn’t always as open as I would like. She doesn’t discuss her feelings a lot and we are left in the dark trying to imagine what it is like for her and how our actions are perceived. I am always torn how to treat this holiday. Should the we send her flowers, a card, a present….or is that a painful reminder of her loss? I wish I knew the right answer. We have sent flowers in the past and never heard anything about them.  To me flowers  just don’t feel right. Now that our daughter is older I should probably have her make a card or record a message in one of the recordable cards. We frequently exchange photos and I guess a photobook or something would be appropriate as well, but again I am left not knowing if I am rubbing salt in a wound. Another complicating factor in our situation is that our children’s biological mother does parent an older child. She should be able to celebrate Mother’s Day happily, but I can understand it being bittersweet.  It is a situation made even sadder for her because she has lost her mother as well.

I guess I struggle with this because there is some part of me that feels like if I acknowledge the holiday happily I am somehow emphasizing our happiness and neglecting her sorrow. I hope that someday we will establish better understanding with her on these issues. I know that I can never fully understand what she is going through and I know she can never fully understand how we feel either. I just want her to understand that we appreciate her more than she will ever know. I don’t know if it is a happy holiday or not for her, but I hope that she is at least happy with the way that we are raising the children and that we make her proud. Communication is so important in open adoption. I hope to improve this in our relationship over time (and I will discuss open adoption and related issues in future posts)

For now, to our children’s biological mother, Happy Mother’s Day and thank you from the bottom of our hearts <3

Fertility Flunky

For those of us who have been through infertility or miscarriages there can be feelings of inadequacy.  So many people put the pressure on you to have a baby or to be a mom despite the other qualities you bring to the table.  When we got pregnant the first time I was 32.  We had decided to wait until after I finished grad school to try for a baby.  It took us awhile to get pregnant and I was happy.  Prior to this I had felt awkward at family gatherings with my husband’s family.  There were grandchildren, great grandchildren and everyone was a Mom.  Mother’s Day was especially a weird time.  My mother-in-law at one point made a comment like, “I thought I would be dead before you guys had kids.”  It was a joke, but it stuck especially when the miscarriage occurred.  That was followed by two more miscarriages.  I was devastated and a failure (at least in my mind at the time).

It wasn’t just family that reminded me that I had failed.  Everyday as I saw my patients (I am a Physician Assistant) there was the constant barrage of questions, “do you have kids?”, “when are you going to have kids?”, and my all time favorite, “you aren’t getting any younger you know!”  Some people could not let it go.  I would try to dismiss them with the assurance that children were in my future plans or that we were “working on it.”  When the questioning continued I would usually say, “well we have had miscarriages.”  There is nothing that will shut someone up faster than that.  I also worked in a building full of OB/Gyn offices.  Day after day I rode to work on the elevator with happy pregnant women.  The mall became a constant reminder as well.  Everyone seemed to be pregnant or strolling their children.  The OB/Gyn office became a place of great anxiety for me.  It still is.  Too many bad memories. 

It was hard for me to give up the idea of not having a biological child at first, but then one day I had an epiphany.  My friend’s son (our godson) was like a son to me.  I love him with all my heart.  I knew that I could love a child that was not of my own genetics.  The adoption process was not easy and took time.  I tried my best to prepare for a child, but even shopping at Babies R Us after we had matched made me feel like an impostor.  You can imagine the looks that you get when you are shopping for a crib and not showing.  I felt like an outsider looking in.

For awhile after our first adoption I still wished that I could have had the opportunity to be pregnant and to experience the ultrasounds and other happy moments of pregnancy.  I was not unhappy to have my daughter and in fact I was ecstatic.  I have gradually gotten over those feelings.  I have two beautiful kids and I wouldn’t change a thing.  Sometimes I do still feel odd though when dealing with other mothers.  I am a REAL mother, but sometimes people make you feel like you are not.  I have been involved in a number of activities with other mothers with my children.  When ever you are around other mothers of young children questions about your pregnancy always seem to come up.  “How long was your labor?” or “did you breastfeed?” or “wow, your daughter is tall! is her father tall?(because obviously I am not)”   This presents a weird situation.  You either try to stay out of the discussion (which is almost always impossible), you lie or you are honest.  I tend to be honest.  I am NOT AT ALL embarrassed to be an adoptive mother, but sometimes people think differently of adopted kids and treat them differently.  Sometimes I get this weird vibe from people that they think less of me because I am not a “real” mom.  Some of this is imagined, but some of it is real.  As your child ages you have to discuss with them how they want you to handle these questions from strangers.  They may not want you to tell every Tom, Dick and Harry their business. 

There are other strange situations too.  I get these emails from time to time.  You know the ones that have the little survey in which you tell friends about yourself.  I seem to have gotten quite a few “mother” surveys.  I am glad that my friends think of me as a REAL mom, but usually half of the questions are about your pregnancy.  Usually I don’t answer them because half of the questions would be answered with a response about a miscarriage.  Now there is a downer.

Then there are the “mother” products that are out there for biological moms.  One that comes to mind is a frame that has three slots for pictures.  It says at the top, “Mom + Dad = Me (or baby).”  I got one of these as a gift once.  I have yet to hang it up.  Although I do believe that there is something to the nature vs. nurture theory and that the people raising a child do help to shape them, I feel like if I hang that up I am a fraud or that I am somehow slighting my children’s biological parents.

I know that my path to motherhood wasn’t the usual path or the easy path for that matter.  I just always hope that my kids are happy with their “real mom.”  I am sure other situations will come up that I will have to deal with in the future, but at least I am gradually getting over the feeling that I am not living up to my potential as a woman because I am a “fertility flunky.”  Happy Mother’s Day.

Stupid things people say

I thought I would start out with something that is comical in a way. Unfortunately, it is comical in the sense that you can laugh at it after the fact (sometimes). Those of us struggling with infertility, going through the adoption process or already adoptive parents can testify to the fact that people make stupid comments sometimes. I guess they aren’t thinking or they just don’t get what you are going through or have been through. I have heard my fair share of these and I am dumbfounded by them sometimes.

I first experienced these sorts of comments while going through infertility and a series of three miscarriages. My good friend told me that having a difficulty conceiving was more favorable than her situation of accidentally getting pregnant at an inopportune time. I was like, “WTF?”, you are telling me that possibly NEVER having a baby is better than having your second a few years before you wanted to? These comments continued through our struggle with infertility. Doctors couldn’t promise us that IVF would afford us any better results than just trying to get pregnant on our own.  We then opted not to do IVF and were considering adoption.   When we told this to someone close to us we got, “well…..I guess it depends on how bad you really want a baby.” I wanted a baby REALLY bad. Didn’t they get that?!!! Criticism from the peanut gallery (especially when they have never had to make these choices) was not appreciated.  Oh and BTW doesn’t adoption typically lead to a child as well?  I guess they were letting me know that it was a less favorable child in their opinion.

Then there was the barrage of comments we got when we announced that we planned to adopt. These ranged from, “you are not going to adopt a CRACK baby are you?” to “you are not going to adopt a BLACK baby are you (or insert other racial minority)?” and also included things like, “well you know I just don’t see how anyone can GIVE UP their baby.”   Most of the time these comments were the first thing out of someones mouth when we made the announcement. I was like, “Thanks………Thanks for being so supportive.” I mean we were ecstatic to finally have made a decision to do this and this is what we get? People are all excited for you when you are pregnant, but sometimes it is  less than enthusiastic reception for adoption.  My husband and I are pretty open minded.  We would have adopted any race, but it sure is hard to hear such prejudice from friends and family.  That being said, we did have a lot of positive response and support as well.  It is just those negative comments that stick in your craw.

After you are involved with potential biological families you get stupid questions and statements too.  “Don’t they know what causes that (pregnancy)?”  or “weren’t they using any protection?”  I don’t KNOW!  I didn’t ask them that.  Do you really think I should have?!!  Can’t you just be happy that this might work out for us or that someone is potentially interested in us?  We also got an interesting comment once when discussing the fact that we were providing the biological mother with expenses during the pregnancy.  The comment was, “I guess that sort of thing is getting more legal these days.”  It was an offhand comment, but I guess they were referencing “buying a baby” or black market babies.  Adoption is a whole different ball game as opposed to “buying a baby” although it is expensive.  Paying biological parents expenses during the pregnancy is LEGAL and occurs all the time.  Did they think we would really bend the rules to get our child?  Ridiculous!

I will end with this comment that occurred right after our daughter was born.  A relative said ecstatically, “she looks just like “our” babies (babies in the family).”  This offended me although I am sure it was a benign comment.  Would it have been so bad if the baby looked different?  I guess we couldn’t HIDE it as well then (sarcasm).  On top of that my daughter looks nothing like me.  I always wondered, “If she did look like me would that have been less favorable ?” 

New at This

Hello, it’s me and my musings. I have been knocking this idea around for awhile now. A blog about adoption. Specifically, a blog about the things that are not easy in adoption. The issues that come up that have no right or wrong answer. Things we muddle through and hope we get right and in the best interest of our kids. Infertility isn’t easy and unfortunately adoption isn’t either. There is a lot to explore in adoption – relationships, situations with strangers, situations with family members and rude comments. Then there is the whole idea of open adoption. I am a HUGE proponent of this and I will discuss why later. There is also the issue of privacy. With whom do we divulge our child’s story? Not to hide the story, but where do you draw the line to protect the privacy of your children. Not everyone may be on a NEED TO KNOW basis. Hope you enjoy and I’d love to hear thoughts (not attacks) from others on these subjects.  Oh, the name comes from the term “adoption triad” which refers to the relationship between adoptees, adoptive parents and biological parents.  Tribulations refers to the difficulties/obstacles experienced in this triad or outside the triad with regard to adoption.